Operation “Toddler Takes Toy Story 3” = FAIL

Today I met a couple neighbors and their kids at the local cinema for a viewing of Toy Story 3. May I just say, Pixar does some fantastic work. This movie does not disappoint: it is adorable and well worth the $$$ that a trip to the movies will run you. But, may I also make one simple suggestion? Please. For the love of all that's pure and good in the world:

LEAVE YOUR TWO YEAR OLD AT HOME.

I was warned by friends: 2 year olds are too squirly. They don’t have the attention. You’ll regret it. But with three kids so close together in age, it hardly seems fair to keep the boys under house arrest while we wait for Midget to develop some (much needed) social skills. So foolishly (and stubbornly) I did bring Mighty with the boys and me. Afterall, she loves movies and watches anything that her brothers do, so why not this show? But again, the subtle-yet-important difference being this: it’s not what you watch, but how and where you watch it. Watching a movie in your own home where you can get up, run around, and generally not worry about making anyone else’s life miserable is a very different experience (for child and parent) than being in a theater.

Let me elaborate:

• 10:00  Enter cinema complex. Tell Midget she must take the stairs instead of the escalator. Experience Midget’s first fit.
• 10:02  Finally get to top of stairs.
• 10:03  On way to theater, pass restrooms. Listen to Midget announce emphatically “NO PEE PEE!”
• 10:04  Step into theater; pick best seats. Switch seats with brothers; switch back. Repeat.
• 10:07  See other friend arrive with Cool-Dad-Who-Buys-Son-Popcorn. Brothers M and Midget demand to know where their popcorn is.
• 10:08  Mom gives in and attempts to take Midget to concession stand. Midget denies Mom. Insists she will sit quietly with Brothers, Friend and Friend’s Mom. “No go! You go! Stay here!”
• 10:10  While Mom is in line buying popcorn, Friend’s Mom appears with Midget. Apparently Midget tried to make a run for it while Mom was out of the theater. Friend’s Mom passes Midget back to Mom.
• 10:12  Back in theater—with Midget and popcorn. All are happy. Trailers start.
• 10:15  Trailers continue.
• 10:20  Trailers are interesting, but Mom worries about losing the kids before the feature film even starts.
• 10:22  Trailers drag on. Midget and Middle Man fight over who gets to use the shared armrest. Much shooshing and placating is done by Mom.
• 10:25  Last trailer and Middle Man finishes the popcorn that was supposed to last him throughout the movie. Demands more. BMoC agrees to share the rest of his if a trip to McDonald’s is in the near future. Mom agrees to shut everyone up.
• 10:30  Movie starts. Mom sighs with relief. All are happy.
• 10:50  Midget jumps out her seat and announces, “Gotta pee!” Mom grumbles something in appropriate, especially given other children are in earshot.
• 10:55  Trip to facilities successful. Mom and Midget settle back into their seats.
• 11:10  Midget announces, “Gotta poo!” Mom ironically less annoyed just comes to terms with the fact she’ll have to watch the movie when it comes out on DVD. Takes Midget back to facilities.
• 11:15  Trip to facilities unsuccessful. (Unless just playing with the toilet paper constitutes success.)
• 11:16  Mom and Midget try to sneak back into the theater. Again.
• 11:25  Midget wants to switch seats.
• 11:30  Midget wants to dance in the side aisle.
• 11:35  Midget makes a run for it. Mom catches her before she can get to the bottom step.
• 11:40  Midget runs up and down an empty row of seats while Mom sits on the bottom step.
• 11:45  Suspecting Midget is becoming too much a distraction for fellow patrons, Mom benches Midget outside of the theater and she attempts to watch movie through small window in door.
• 11:50  Midget’s wails of woe subside with promises that she’ll be good.
• 11:55  Mom and Midget find new seats in theater: on the floor in exit path. New seating allows ample room for Midget to dance, do somersaults, and also provides easy access to main hallway where possible future screams of frustration cannot be heard (well) by fellow movie goers.
• 12:15  Midget settles down and finds a comfortable spot, laying in Mom’s lap.
• 12:20  Mom returns with Midget to original seats (and her two abandoned children, the Brothers M).
• 12:21  Midget spies empty bag and demands more popcorn. Mom placates her with “OK, OK, just hold tight, it’s coming, we'll get some in a minute, hold on…” Mom is actually thinking, “I’m going to beat you with the popcorn if you don’t shut the f#@% up.”
• 12:30  Movie ends. The Brothers M turn and ask Mom when they can come back and do it all again. The answer to which being either “when Hell freezes” or at the very least “when your sister turns 4.”

 I will now be changing my name from Meanest to Dumbest Mom on the Block.