Thursday, January 27, 2011

A is for Anarchy

In 48 hours the Meanest Mom is leaving the Block…well, at least for one night. That’s right, friends: be jealous. Be very, very, super-trouper jealous. It’s time for my Girls Weekend! All the luxury; none of the lame-ass matching t-shirts.


Yet...because I can find a way to be negative about almost anything—including my luxury weekend—I’ll admit I’m a little freaked out about leaving the nest unattended. ‘Cause when Mom’s away, the kids will par-tay.

Here's a window to my why: The ABC’s of Daddy Daycare

A is for Anarchy, the political state that will immediately ensue the minute I leave the premises.

B is for Bacon. Despite my having laid out perfectly assembled and labeled meals in the fridge last time I went away for a girls’ weekend, Husband fried up several packs of bacon and served this to himself and the kids. Only bacon. All weekend. I’m not joking.

C is for Craigslist. If I find any new crap in our house upon my return, I’m going to lose whatever’s left of my mind. (C is also for crap.)

D is for Daddy. But it’s also for Don’t. And Discipline. (And if I think that Daddy will use the word “Don’t” or apply “Discipline” this weekend, I’m clearly Delusional.)

E is for Emergency. Please, for 24 hours, can we not have anyone wind up in a room preceded with this word?

F is for Farts. Without me around to ruin the fun, a tournament of Flatulence is sure to reach Olympic levels.

G is for Grandparents. This is one of those (rare) times when I think it would be really great to have them close by. For moral support. Or just even out the alleged adult/child ratio.

H is for Haircut. There are to be no unauthorized haircuts while Mom’s away. And in case it wasn’t clear, Mom is the only one who authorizes the haircuts in the first place. Put down the scissors.

I is for Internet. Just because they are little doesn’t mean the kids don’t know how to use it (which—I’ll admit—I found out the hard way.) No unchaperoned YouTubing, please.

J is for Juice. Juice is juice. It’s not fruit. Don’t let Middle Man try to tell you differently. Over the weekend he still needs to choke down something that grew out of the ground or fell off a tree. (And good luck with that.)

K is for Kraft. Who you might assume is sponsoring my weekend away. Because chances are Husband will default to Mac-n-Cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner since he has “mastered” the dish. Unless of course he makes enough bacon to get the team through instead…

L is for LoJack. Which we should probably set up in case there is a sudden urge for an outing with kids. (Hide and seek loses a lot of the fun once Security Guards and Amber Alerts are involved.)

M is for Make up. At no point is anyone allowed to play in, apply or prance around in mine. Period.

N is for No. It’s a word I like to use often. Try it out on the kids. I promise they’ll still love you despite your deployment of it.

O is for Opportunity. Husband, this weekend is not your opportunity to start home improvement projects without me around to question them. If you have time to wield a hammer, the kids have time to light the house on fire.

P is for Pajamas. Feel free to change out of these at least once while I’m gone. Even if it’s only to change into clean pajamas.

Q is for Quiet. (OK, you got me. This word has nothing to do with my family. Psych!)

R is for Rules. Of which, I’m sure, there will be none in the House of M.

S is for Sharpie. Washable markers are bad enough; please don’t use the permanent ones. Besides, there will be plenty of time to be chiefed by your friends in college…no need to rush the experience and do it to yourselves now.

T is for Television. Alas, I know it will be on. All. Weekend. Long.

U is for UPS. Please don’t make any deliveries while I’m gone. I like being able to sneak my purchases into the house. If you want to keep seeing me on a regular basis, you are going to have to stay away until Monday morning. Otherwise the jig is up.

V is for Vacuum. Husband, if you were smart enough to marry me, you are smart enough to know how to use one of these. Try it out. You might actually like walking on a clean floor. You never know.

W is for Water. Please combine it with soap and apply you your bodies at some point during my 24 hour absence.

X is for XxXx. As in all the kisses you’ll get when I return. However at the moment I’m looking forward to loving y’all from a distance. Of 47.8 miles to be exact.

Y is for Yogurt. This is a food, not a toy. If the kids ask for it, make sure you ask them what they are planning to do with it. Seriously. I don’t want to have to repaint the walls yet again.

Z is for Zzzzz. As in all the sleep I’m going to try and get while I’m gone. I have a feeling I’ll need my strength reestablishing order upon my homecoming.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

So with you on the UPS with you.