Porta-potty

The saying goes, “Third time’s a charm.” I’m not sayin’ it’s the reason to keep having kids, but it really has been helpful learning from my triumphs and failures with each successive child.

With toddler no. three I finally figured out that if you keep a potty in the back of the car, you can avoid having to dash like a mad idiot into the nearest Starbucks as soon your little darling announces, “Gotta pee!” (That you JUST asked 2 minutes ago before leaving the house is irrelevant…) Add to this that my current toddler is a girl, and it is all the more brilliant keeping a potty nearby. Where boys love to whip it out any chance they get, nature pee-pee is ever so difficult with your two-year old daughter.

And so now, after six years of parenting, I’ve learned to tote around the porta-potty. As gross as it sounds, it really does work wonders. Here’s how you too can be awesome like me:

1. Go to Craigslist and get yourself one of these babies for cheap. Because—let’s be honest—who needs to spend big bucks on brand new plastic that’s just going to be defecated in.

2. Put in the back of your car.
3. When your child needs to relieve his/herself, place a biodegradable kitchen bag over the top of porta-potty. This allows for comfortable seating for “doin’ business” combined with easy removal of said business. And because it’s a BioBag you can have a moment of superiority while doing the environment a favor.

4. Once child is done, tie up bag *well* and remove business to nearest trash can.

That’s it. Four easy—but essential—steps. Especially step no. 4. Which I learned the hard way last weekend.

Husband, as we are pulling up to our house after a day in the city: “OK, you get the kids inside, I’ll take care of the bikes and bags in the back of the car.”

Me: “Fine, fine.”

Me, to three wiped-out children: “Come on, guys. Yes, I know you are tired and hungry, but let’s get inside. Daddy’ll unpack the car; I’ll figure out what we’re doing for dinner.”

Husband, from street: “What is…What?!...What spilled back here?”

Me: “Huh?”

Husband: “OH MY GOD! Did you NOT take care of the piss bag? Disgusting! We have pee all over the back of the car!”

Oops. But guess who is finally allowed to get her car professionally cleaned and detailed.